I’m just going to start somewhere and get it all out. I thought this post through the other night while I was waiting to fall asleep, now I hope I can remember everything and make a little sense at the same time.
On October 26 I had my second surgery for my ear problem. Actually it was ear repair and benign *thing* removal from my head. They had to move my left ear to get to said thing. Everything went well with the surgery and for 4 days into recovery. Then my incision got infected. The point of telling you this is so you know why I was out of it on mind altering drugs for a week lol Everything is fine now other than my ear sticking out (doc says it will go back in) and I’ve lost the ability to wiggle that ear, darnit!
During that week when I don’t remember much, many things would run through my head during the short times I was conscious. Things from my past and present bounced around as I tried to make sense of it all. Those of you who have been with me for years know that I lost my Dad to cancer almost 3 years ago. What my drug induced stupor made me realize was that I was not able to properly grieve for him. Being strong for my Mom and Katie (daughter) were my top priorities at the time and then I took it upon myself to make sure my Mom was entertained on a daily basis. I made sure she had things to do, wasn’t alone and was taking good care of herself. That left me to fend for myself and I bet most of you can guess how I handled that…. I didn’t take care of myself, not in the ways that mattered. My fiance (at the time) worked out of town so I was completely alone 6 days out of the week. No one was keeping an eye on me.
We were feeling on a more stable foundation as Thanksgiving was coming (hence the timing of all this I think). It was to be our first holiday without Dad and we were all wondering how we’d hold up. That thought was lost on the Friday before Thanksgiving when my fiance was due to come home. He never came. The man sent me a text… yes a text… that said he had to go. period.end of message. I never saw it coming, never thought that the man who had promised my Dad on his deathbed that he would take care of us would just leave. He did, left everything he owned here and just vanished. My entire family was in shock. He was also close to 2 of my uncles and everyone was just flabbergasted that he would do this. We were all so close and spent all our time together when he was home. I’m telling you this part so you’ll understand why I wasn’t able to let Mom get on with her life then be able to grieve for my father. That was the second emotional blow that year. (No there’s not a third one, thankfully!)
On top of being in a state of shock that he was gone I was also slapped with the realization that I had to support myself financially. Before then what I made from scrapbook designing was my play money … now it had to be my total income. *scary thought* I made up my mind that I could do it and I did, for over a year. Then something just happened inside. I had lost my passion, my drive, my mojo, however you want to describe it. I hated it, it felt awful and I didn’t know what to do about it. After talking to several wise people I knew I had to retire as much as I didn’t want to. It was horrid, gut wrenching even!! I suppose it was me tearing myself completely away from a world and all the people I loved there that was what started all this.
During my post-op problems I often had dreams of my dad and my ex. I realized that I had their losses tied up together inside. I had to untangle them and process them individually. How did I never see that before? No idea but I’m glad it came to me. Now that I have been able to do that I’ve been able to forgive and start to move ahead. I didn’t even know I was stuck really. So weird how you can’t see things sometimes!
I’m not posting this for sympathy or to have a pity party. I want you all to know what’s going on, where I’ve been and how I’m doing. I’ve missed you girls more than I could ever put into words… you are a part of my heart!
I’m getting back to “myself” day by day and looking forward to the holidays for the first time in years. Thank you to everyone who has sent me a sweet email since I left. I hope I didn’t miss answering any of them while my head was spinning around!
I hope you all have a wonderful week, enjoy the time with your family & friends and I’ll be back soon with some fun!
